I can’t take it anymore.
I realized as I grew up, I always had someone close I could show my accomplishments to: my parents and/or my sister. Now they’re not in the same house as me and I’ve done so fricken’ much, all this adult shit. I guess I need someone to share it with? I’m kinda just realizing this and kinda accepting it.
But I have Josh and my friends?
I love my friends, but I feel I’m in the wrong crowd of people. Partying is great and all, a vein that is throbbing in my arm, but everyone’s intelligence level, what they’re doing with they’re life and whatnot……I’m move above everyone: I’m one of the only ones with a car, a license, multiple bills, two jobs…….I’m shooting for higher. I’m at the level I should be. I’m not great: I still need to work on me, my confidence, my tact, my assertiveness. But God dammit, I was raised fantastically. I can and am going towards the stars and I’m around people at a much lower level. So I love them all yet it’s not the greatest environment for me: my ex-best friend/neighbor is being a dick and is an untrustworthy, all-talk bum, my roommate wants absolutely nothing and only works at Freeb!rds, socializes and plays Guitar Hero. I’m just indicating I have potential, not to want to act like I’m greater than everybody.
Is my potential slugging along in my environment? Think about it, what I need is support, communication, intellect, challenge, superiority and no drama. Here it’s just a place if you wanna go nowhere.
I’m on a lease ‘til February, but right now, would a change of scenery move me? I mean, to an extent, I need to move myself, but you need good around you too. Do I leave Josh and everyone in the dust and forget about them? No, I’ll love them just as much assuredly. They don’t leave me ever. I need to make changes. I need to become a better person. I need to work on me.
But I actually just got a tanget. What I can’t take anymore is this loneliness. I hate it viciously. I’m sensitive to it, I’m jealous from it, I’m insecure from it and maybe a little angry. I’m going insane. I’ve always had my family for that healthy communication, listening and actual talking back. I’ve been desperate for someone because I’m not getting that around here, I have friends but I say I do something and it’s ‘oh that’s nice’ I need encouragement…..I’m malnourished of it.
My energy around here beneath it all is negative. It is stunting my growth. Maybe having two jobs gives me time away and more me time. Right now I gotta be financially stable, fucking party, live my life, fight myself, find myself, write, love and live. Ultimately, I don’t need a girl, but fuck it…..I want one. Just a companion. Falling asleep alone after feeling so isolated and being away from intelligence is depressing night after night after night after night. This lonely feeling keeps coming back to me and hurts more every time. Someone to fall asleep with, shit, someone to vent to and have someone say ‘good job’ ‘wow, how does that work?’.
I have depression. Not a big case of it, and it’s not a big deal in comparison to just about anything legitimately bad, but hell, it’s depression. I hate this. So much. I am so alone surrounded by my friends. What the heck is up with that?